My review of the Apple Vision Pro
Yes, yes, I am one of those a**holes.
I know. There are a lot of reviews of this fancy new tech out this week, but how many are written by 51-year-old women? Exactly. So read on.
I have been giddy with excitement about the Vision Pro since July. The ad for it was a big part of why I began writing This Memoir Will Be Written By Robots. I was certain that these VR goggles were going to be a game changer as big as the iPhone.
I have been so excited that when I left to pick mine up last week, Roberto said, “Goodbye for the foreseeable future.” He knew I would dive in and explore it for days.
When I got to the Apple Store, I almost grabbed my reserved Vision Pro and went home — I’d planned to dash in and out — but I had second thoughts. They were offering a 30 minute training demo, and it seemed smart to do it. While I waited I watched other people trying them on for the first time, moving their hands, tapping their fingers together, and with each person there was a moment when their jaw literally dropped.
I couldn’t wait. I was so hyper I chatted nonstop to the employee stuck at the Apple Watch table. He didn’t seem too impressed with the Vision Pro and said they’d all had very little training using it, even the employees doing the demos. I didn’t understand how he could be so blasé about it. Didn’t he understand that this was the beginning of our Ready Player One future?
Finally, it was my turn. A very nice twenty-something (we’ll call him Alex) walked me through the session. He was excited that I was so excited (I don’t imagine he had a lot of fifty-something women coming through.) To get me started, he inserted my specially made prescription lenses (ordered weeks before) into the Vision Pro. Once I had the goggles on, he explained how to begin.
My first impression: The first 30 minutes with the Vision Pro will blow your mind. Gorgeous picture, realistic 3d renderings that have you sticking out your hand convinced a butterfly is going to land on it, a desktop and app windows that hover in the air just like in Minority Report. When you go into cinema mode everything around you but the screen darkens and it feels exactly like being inside a movie theater. There is an immersive film of Alicia Keys in a music studio that had me and everyone else in the room blurting, “Holy shit.” She sings right to you and you feel certain you can reach out and touch her.
As Alex walked me through the different applications I thought without a doubt: this is the future of computing. I had no regrets about the money I was spending (luckily, I write about AI so I can call it a business expense). Alex surprised me by saying that the other employees didn’t “get it.” What is it for? they wondered.
It’s for being in awe, I thought. It’s for seeing the dawn of the future.
They packed up everything for me, including the case which looks like an egg pushed out by a Storm Trooper.
When Alex and I discussed where one might take the Vision Pro (such as on a plane or to the gym) I admitted I would be a bit self conscious to have people see mine since everyone knew the price tag. Alex said, “Yeah. It’s a major flex.”
I lot of bros agree and quickly shared themselves using theirs. Look at this ass-hat driving in his:
When I got the Vision Pro home, I insisted Roberto try it immediately. He was skeptical because his left eye is prosthetic, which means 3D movies don’t work for him. I made him try it anyway.
He spent about 15 minutes on it but I was not nearly as effective a guide as Alex had been. I had a hard time explaining how to get to all the cool stuff I’d seen. Plus, due to his eye, the experience was like looking at a breathtaking view through a toilet paper tube. Overall, he was a bit ho-hum about the whole thing.
What?! Didn’t he understand this was a revolutionary breakthrough?
The next day I was excited to put the goggles back on, but a small part of my brain was thinking, “To what end?” None of my usual morning activities could be accomplished while wearing them (practicing French, practicing guitar, working on my novel). The hovering keyboard is still clunky and I have yet to type anything without a typo. Even if I connect a wireless keyboard, there is still the biggest problem I have with the device: the weight of the headset.
At the Apple Store my first thought had been, “This is heavier than I hoped for. Oh well,” and for the thirty-minute all encompassing demo the weight didn’t bother me. But at home, I’ve had a different experience.
I downloaded the 3D film Everest Saturday night and the experience was incredible, but I started to get a headache and had to take the goggles off after about 20 minutes. I’ve been watching it in small increments since - definitely not the film experience I was craving.
I’ve played a few games, including Synth Riders, a knockoff of Beat Saber. It’s cool but doesn’t offer much more than Beat Saber on the Oculus. I took some 3D photos and videos of the dogs, but unless you are wearing the goggles, you won’t see the 3D effect, so . . . I can find some other nerd who shelled out the cash for this thing and ask him to look at my dogs?
I found a Reddit Thread taking a poll on how many people were going to return their Vision Pros. A large number of bros were disappointed and here is the reason (which also explains why so many of them were willing to shell out the cash):
Ahahahaa. Of course these guys were looking forward to a fifteen foot three dimensional Linda Lovelace who would *%&$ their $!@#&.
Ironically, Apple advertised this as “a profound new way to be together,” but right now the tech is isolating. Instead of opening up my workspace it feels like it has put it in a cave no one can enter but me. A gorgeous cave is still a cave.
I would wait around for the inevitable cool new apps and software updates, but those won’t solve the problem of the heaviness and discomfort. For that, I guess I have to wait for a few more iterations of the device.
So in conclusion . . . I have decided to return my Vision Pro. No one is more surprised than I am.
In the meantime, friends and family have been coming over to experience it before it is gone. And this is exactly what I recommend to you: if you have the opportunity to try one for 30 minutes, absolutely do it. But unless you have the head and neck strength of The Incredible Hulk, you will want to wait for the next generation.
